Tis Almost Christmas

It's almost that time of the year again. That time of the year where we gather together as friends and family to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior, Jesus. It's a time where love, laughter, food, and gifts are shared in abundance. Fellowship abounds in many forms and in many gathering places. This is a time of year where families get together and decorate the home and celebrate traditions passed on from generation to generation. It's a time where retail workers groan and shop owners celebrate over increased sales. Everyone ponders long and hard over that perfect gift to get that special someone. Tinsel glitters, the lights twinkle, and carols play merrily.

And then there is me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong. I love the celebration of Jesus. I just have a hard time during the holidays. I guess I get holiday envy. I see people online with their perfect trees and their homes decorated all beautiful and gifts for everyone wrapped perfectly. I hear about work Christmas parties and bragging about Christmas bonuses. I see people going to church gatherings and celebrating together. I know how other people in my kids' lives can spend hundreds of dollars on them for presents and I don't even have a dollar of my own to spend on them. I wish I could get them everything they wanted and then some but I can't. I'm actually scared to see disappointment in their eyes when they open their gifts.

It's just so hard sometimes seeing other people's lives and wishing I had the same. Envy is an ugly thing to carry around. I worked so hard for so long and I have nothing to show for it. Now I just feel broken. I try. I really do. I know I'll never be good enough for some people, but I truly hope that one day I will be good enough for me. Right now I am not. My amazing boyfriend works his butt off every day to make me happy and I am. The things I am not happy about cannot be bought. I know I'm blessed to have what I have. I have so much more than others. There are 4 pieces of me that have always been incomplete.

I hope I get to see my kiddos for the holidays. It's hard to see my oldest as she lives about 5+ hours away. My 3rd in line, I get to see her more often. My two boys, I haven't seen them in over a year. I miss my boys so much. We shall see what happens. It will be a huge disappointment if I don't get to see my boys for Christmas. But I'm kinda used to disappointment. This is just me being honest, aka, major depression. I'm not gonna hold it in anymore. I usually just nod and smile and say I'm okay but the truth is, I'm sad, I miss my kids, and I want time with them.

I'm holding back tears pretty hard and I feel my blood pressure up pretty high so I'm gonna end this on a positive note. My boyfriend and I exchanged gifts already so I'm gonna posts some pics!!

He got me this beautiful Cladaugh ring

I got him this Glow in the Dark Lo Pan Funko Pop