One Scared DragonMama

I oftentimes feel like I'm not much. I'm just little ole me. I don't make much of a dent in the world. My opinions don't count for much. I don't try very hard to be  noticed, but I do try really hard to stay curled away in my cave I call home. It gets hard to remember that I am a dragonmama. I have fire burning through my veins. I can fly through the skys on my gigantic wings of imagination. I have given birth to children who are masterfully intelligent and can rule the world. I love with a passion so fierce it can burn my mate through to his soul. There are no ends to what I can accomplish for no one can stop me. 

Except myself. I look outside at the beautiful sky and I yearn to stretch my wings. I yearn to go and experience new things and explore. Then comes the pain. My eyelids get heavy and can no longer stare up at the clouds. They remain downcast. My chest hurts so bad. It feels like my heart will burst out through my back. I can't breath. My flame completely fizzles out. My throat is full of acid. My muscles all just feel so tense and it's all I can do to drag myself back into the safety and comfort of my bed. I cry for what I'm experiencing. I cry for what I miss. I cry for who I was. I cry for who I am. I cry for who I want to be but who I don't know how to become. I hibernate in my grief.

I wake either hours or days later with a massive headache. I put on my everyday mask. The one with the casual smile that says "I'm fine," and I begin to clean my home. Organization and cleanliness are things I can control. It makes me happy in my environment. I love my home and what I've created here. i have things that make me happy. I have basic needs like food and shelter, but I also have my mate, and my pet, and my art supplies, and my art, and books and candles and dragons and tea and FFXIV and comfort. I think sometimes I do take for granted what I have but at the same time, I am so eternally thankful that I am so blessed. 

So why do I have this evil monster living alongside my inner dragon? Why can't my magnificent beast soar and be free and laugh and love like it used to. What am I so afraid of? I truly hope to find out through this blog journey.