My Comforting Blog

The last couple of days have been kinda high anxiety days. In some ways that is good, in others not so good. The good part about it is I tend to maniacally get stuff done. The bad part is my blood pressure tends to get really high and I get really bad headaches that shut me down and send me to bed really fast. So anxiety days are really push and pull days. I'm running on the tail end of a headache right now but I'm sticking to my goal of posting three times per week. This is determination. What I want to discuss today is my maniacal anxiety days and how I like to comfort myself through the highs and lows.

I can usually tell when my anxiety is building. It can sometimes, but doesn't usually, hit me at once. It's usually a quick little build up. It starts off as what may be perceived as boredom. My attention can't be kept by much and I tend to munch on anything I can find to munch on. I will pace between the fridge and the couch and my bed. I will swap between apps on my phone or games or shows on the tv. I will look out the blinds. I will chew and pick at my nails. I munch some more and try to read to slow my brain down. I try to keep myself as calm as possible in hopes that I can stop the full blown anxiety attack before it hits. Unfortunately, more often than not, I am unsuccessful.  I usually will not be able to sleep well that night. 

The next day I will wake up full of energy. I will get my house clean, dishes washed, bed made, everything facing in the shower and on counter tops and in cupboards, dog bathed and nails trimmed and ears cleaned. Everything has to get done or I will go nuts. If things aren't in place and put up and decluttered my skin crawls and my hair itches. My back can't take all the work. It just hurts so bad. So I can only do teeny bits at a time. Which frustrates me. My blood pressure goes up from pain and the anxiety. Which gives me a headache. Which adds to the pain factor. The anxiety attacks can turn into full blown panic attacks and I really don't want to go into those. I feel my stress level rising thinking about those. What started off as a great day to get stuff done, turns into a nightmare of pain and depression and sleep that can last for days.

I'm trying to find other ways to satisfy my anxiety that may not cause the aftermath and ways to comfort the aftermath. Blogging has been a lifesaver. It keeps my hands and brain busy so I'm not obsessing over everything I need to do. Right now, I know I need to do the dishes, but I'm not obsessing about it. It's nice to sit with a cup of hot tea and just type my thoughts out. Blogging is such a great outlet. Another comfort I'm finding is ways to "beautify" myself. My boyfriend has been great about helping me get skin care and makeup and other beauty products. It's so satisfying, receiving packages in the mail with my products and then opening them and trying them out. I love it!! I'm even starting a blog about new products that i'm trying. It will be a sister blog to this one. I probably won't post as often there but we will see.

My favorite comfort is curling up on the couch with my dog and my boyfriend. I draw so much comfort just having those two right there by my side. Their presence just relaxes me. Oh and one thing that I don't know if anyone else thinks might be weird, but when I'm am having really high anxiety, I like to be cold. I get so hot. I have to have the AC blasting. I will drink so much cold water. I have to have the cold water right by me. Cold showers are perfect. I'm sure if I lived where there was snow, I would probably go lay down in the snow. I just have to have cold. Painting also calms my anxieties but I have to be in the mood to paint. Trying new teas out is always relaxing and comforting. I just love to set an environment. I will turn off the lights, light candles, crank up the ac, make a cup of one of my many random flavors of tea, and then just curl up on the couch with Gucci behind my legs and read my book and sip my tea. That for me is a zen moment.

I almost relaxed myself to sleep there thinking about that moment. Now that I am pretty calm, I think I am going to check out my new hair color. I got my hair colored earlier and I've been waiting on it to dry naturally to see the color. Then, I'm going to get supper in the oven and get the kitchen clean. Then on to relaxing with my man and my pup. Leave me some comments about how you like to either calm your anxiety or comfort your depression. Please share my blogs with others if you think they may be helpful to others. And please know that I am so thankful to everyone who reads these. It helps me feel accomplished, which makes me feel happy, which really helps fight off my depressions and anxieties. Thank you so much!!!

Such is Beauty

This is another topic I was given by my therapist and one I've been wrapping my head around all weekend. It's a topic of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" or "why is an elephant seal so ugly to some, but a glorious creature to others." As I've been scouring the web for resources, I've experienced quite a variety of emotions. Two emotions have stood out in particular, anger, and that cutesy thing we girls do when we smile and go aaawww how cute.

When it comes to animals, it's really easy to say "ugly" is cute. My chihuahua, Gucci, has some permanent birth defects. His tail is crooked from broken spots in his tail. His forehead is lopsided from having a permanent open fissure and hydrocephalus. He walks funny from his little legs being a tiny bit messed up. Anyone who looks for chihuahua perfection may call Gucci ugly. To me, he is my handsome little man and he is the most adorable little thing ever. 

I looked up the elephant walrus along with many other "ugly" animals. I found many animals that I certainly wouldn't classify in my own personal opinion as beautiful, but I did see a beauty in them all. Especially when I saw pictures of them with their young. It was quite humbling really to see how majestic creatures are when you look past their exteriors and see them interacting in their natural environments. And for your viewing pleasure, here is a gorgeous male elephant seal with a huge smile:

Now, it was very easy to stay pretty cheery while I looked up animals. There were many cute baby anilmals and such as that. But then, I got to thinking about people. So many people are so concerned about what others think about them. That makes me angry. So many people compare themselves and others to "society's standards." Judgement upon how others look is everywhere, especially on social media.  Well it appears that "standards" are no longer the norm. Different is the norm. Different is beautiful. Being yourself is beautiful. Each and every one of us is beautiful. I am overweight. I have thinning hair. I have double chins. My butt is way bigger than I wish it was, but you know what, I am beautiful. My boyfriend says I'm beautiful. My kids say I'm beautiful. I may not be beautiful to someone else, but that someone else probably has their own beautiful person. It doesn't matter if you are beautiful or perfect to everyone. Don't worry so much about other people's opinions.  It doesn't matter if you are accepted by everyone. It doesn't matter if everyone you meet on the street doesn't look at you and check you out. What matters is that you know that you are beautiful, because of and regardless of everything you see in the mirror. You are beautiful because of what lies within you. You are someone's beautiful. You will be someone's beautiful.  Don't judge someone if they are not beautiful to you. That person that you just walked past and deemed as "ugly," is beautiful. Maybe not to you, but to someone. We have to see the beauty inside ourselves and then learn to not judge others. I know i'm horribly guilty of casting judgment. I must work on this. I also must work on seeing my inner beauty. 

One of my goals for 2017 is to take better care of myself inside and out. I feel that this will make me feel more beautiful to myself. This blog has really opened up my eyes to the way I look at others. And it also makes me realize that I shouldn't worry about what others think about me. My opinion is the one that counts.  I think I am going to put on my most beautiful smile, since smile are very healthy, and go cuddle with my very handsome Gucci. Please feel free to leave a comment if this blog has helped you at all. 

Gucci

I want to share a story about one of the most precious critters in my life. My old boss lady told me her chihuahua had a litter of puppies and told me I could have one if I wanted. I agreed to a time to take a look at the puppies and see if there was one that I wanted. I knew I wanted a girl if I got one. (Note, my memory is messed up so i'm recalling this the best I remember) The thing was, I was living with my brother. I knew if I wanted a puppy, I would have to get him on board as well. I asked him to go with me. There were 4 pups. 1 brown female, 1 black female, and 2 black males. At first I wanted the brown female. She was so pretty. My brother liked her as well. And she was the different colored one. I usually like the oddball, the different one. The pups were kept in the kitchen and their crate was in the far corner. Three of the pups, including my little girl were running around happily. The little runt was hanging out in the crate. He was a little cutie but he just kinda hid in the crate. As I was standing in the doorway of the kitchen talking to everyone, I felt a little tug on my pants. I looked down and it was the little runt. Everyone looked astonished. They said he never left the crate. I reached down, picked him up, looked into his little face, and fell in love. He picked me. They called him Special Puppy. He was certainly special. My brother and I went home with two puppies that day. He with the little brown girl pup, and me with my little special puppy. 

I named my special little puppy Gucci. He was an ugly little fellow. But he was so beautiful to me. Being the runt that he was, he just happened to come with some birth defect and health issues. His little tail has some broken points in it, he walks funny sometimes, and the major issue is his hydrocephalus. Hydrocephalus, which literally means “water on the brain,” is a buildup of fluid inside the skull. This accumulation puts pressure on the brain, causing signs such as an enlarged, dome-shaped head, seizures, blindness, and behavioral changes. Gucci had, and still has, a very large soft spot on the top of his head. His first vet visit was very nerve wracking for me. The vet didn't encourage a very long life span. His birthday was April 29th, 2012. 

Needless to say, Gucci is still alive and very healthy. He is my little heart. He comforts me somehow that is just so hard to explain. He and I have been through so much together through the past several years. He loves me unconditionally. He doesn't judge me. He won't cheat on me. He won't take advantage of me. He is my little buddy. I love him so much and I do believe it would cause me serious emotional distress if I ever didn't have him in my life. I love how he loves cheese and chicken and pizza bones. I love how he runs around the house like a little crack doggy when he is excited. I love how he greets me when I come home. I love how he howls when I whistle or try to sing opera. I really love to feel his warm little self curled up next to me. I love listening to him snore like a train. I love his old man goatee. I just love everything about my little dog. I am now gonna go snuggle with my little dog after I add a few pics. I hope you all go and give your pet a cuddle after you read this.