New Views On Life

I feel horrible that I have not kept up on my blogs like I should have this past week. In some ways I feel like I have been really busy. But then, I wonder, busy doing what? I have to do my days in bits and pieces because of pain tolerance. I can do one thing for a little bit then I have to lay down or sit real comfy for a bit. Then I can get up and do a bit more and repeat. I take Ibuprofen daily to get me through.

Now, my happy news!! My super duper amazing boyfriend managed to get me a camera!! I plan on taking short walks and taking pics as I go along and posting them in blogs. I just got the camera today and it is so much fun. I look forward to seeing the world through the lens. I'm very tired right now and probably going to go to bed very early. Here are the outdoor pics from today. My pup Gucci is the handsome little model posing for you.

Earth, Water, Fire, Air

I am in the process of decorating my living room. During this process, I have sat down and thought about ways that I have decorated in the past that I have really enjoyed. My favorite living room was in this old apartment building from the early 1900's. I had a corner apartment in the basement. This apartment could have gone gloomy really fast but with its high ceilings, plenty of windows, and my elemental decor, it was quite welcoming. I love introducing the four elements into a room. It brings harmony and calm to any room of your home. Here are some simple ideas on how you can bring each of the elements to your rooms and how they can help with anxiety and depression.

Earth

Don't be afraid to have live plants in any room of your home. Have a beautiful ivy or small potted tree in your living room. Place a pot of jasmine or lavender in your bedroom to help with sleep. Put a little bamboo plant or succulent in the bathroom. Have small herb pots in the window sill of your kitchen. Plants eat carbon dioxide and release oxygen. The tasks of watering and maintaining and grooming indoor plants can be calming in its repetitions. Also, the greenery and flowers can be very pleasing to the eye which can also reduce anxiety and depression.

Water

I love the sound of a babbling brook. Obviously I can't have a brook flowing through my home so I go with the next best thing, indoor water fountains. These can be found for as little as $5 at your local dollar store, but they are priceless for having the sounds of a waterfall. Water fountains can be placed in any room of your house and can be as big or as small as you want them to be. The water sound is the perfect white noise and has been proven to reduce anxiety.

Fire

I love candles. I am a candleaholic. I love candles in every room of my house. I change scents of candles out with the seasons. I will also light certain candles, depending on my anxiety levels, that may help my anxiety levels, such as lavender and jasmine. The flickering glow can be very calming and relaxing and can even help with bringing one into a relaxed state for breathing exercises and guided meditation. Candles should always be used under supervision. If you have a fire anxiety, there are electronic candles that give off the same flickering glow and some even have scents. Sometimes I like the glow and smells of my Scentsy warmer and it will substitute for a candle as well. 

Air

Nothing says air in a home like opening the windows. Fresh air is necessary. We need the fresh air and sun to thrive. Darkness breeds depression and anxiety. Sunshine and breeze gives us vitamins and energy. If you can't or don't want to open the windows, at least open the curtains or blinds for a while each day and let some light in your home. A little light each day can help battle the darkness.

These are all my opinions. I feel that introducing all of these elements into as many rooms of your home as possible can really have benefits to your mental health. I did research some on the benefits of each element and it seems that there is quite a bit of information that also agrees with me. I need to get some plants for my home and then I think I'll be set. Please feel free to share your thoughts and opinions in the comments below. Please subscribe to my blog and leave me a +1 if you enjoyed this.

Happy Valentine's Day Rant

This will probably be a short post. It is definitely a rant post. My week so far has not been the best. I have been so ill. I'm dealing with some extreme womanly issues that I seriously need to go to the doctor about but I cannot afford to go to the doctor. Yesterday was very rough. I was in extreme pain and very weak due to extreme menorrhagia. My boyfriend surprised me with flowers and cooked us steak and potatoes for lunch. His valentine's treat was the best part of the whole day and honestly the best part of my whole week so far. He is amazing. After we ate lunch, he went to work and I took a nap. My menorrhagia was getting worse and worse. I was so dizzy and was cramping so badly I couldn't stand it. I was certain I was anemic from blood loss. I finally went to the hospital where I sat in the lobby for two hours while there were people back and forth ranting about someone getting pistol whipped and her throat slit. I'm thinking in my head that this is a small town, not Chicago. This crazy kinda gangster stuff shouldn't be happening in a little place like this. Apparently after listening to some nurses, there have been a few shootings in this town recently. That's crazy. I have enough to stress about as it is. I don't need to worry about some stupid punk coming and drive by shooting me while i'm taking my chihuahua out to poop at night. This town only has like 5 red lights. It's small town, USA. Come on! The lady who had her throat cut was life flighted out and I was finally triaged and sent to the back. After blood work it was deemed I was not anemic. They wanted to try to get a urine sample out of me but I was so dehydrated. They told me I was dehydrated but just not quite enough for an IV. ??? I'm just astonished. I don't go to the hospital unless I feel I truly need medical attention. At this point I started having an anxiety attack. I was so frustrated with how I was feeling and how I felt that I was being basically ignored. I was having to request feminine pads every 20-30 due to such extreme blood loss. I felt like I was having a miscarriage or something. I finally told the doctor I just wanted to go home if they weren't going to do anything so I could have my anxiety attack and die of blood loss in the peace and comfort of my own bed or bathtub. They give me tylenol with codeine and send me on my way.

Boyfriend calls us a ride home and we leave the hospital, picking up some burgers and fries since I'm starving. Haven't had fast food in months. Get home, take all my meds and sit down to eat. Next thing I know, my chihuahua, Gucci, is acting weird, shaking his head, crouched on the floor, trying to crawl backwards, and can't walk straight. He's having a seizure. Can this friggin night get any worse?? Fortunately, him having a seizure is one thing I have prepared myself for. He has hydrocephalus and I knew one day, seizures would come. We've been lucky it's been almost five years for his first one. His seizure certainly knocked me out of my anxiety attack. I took action and spoke softly to him and loved on him until it was over. Thankfully, he was back to his Gucci self within half an hour or so.

Today I have just been resting with Gucci. I'm still really weak and dizzy. My amazing and wonderful boyfriend has been so attentive and loving. I really was blessed with a man who loves me through thick and thin. So many men would not do some of the things my man does for me. I have some homemade veggie and beef soup simmering on the stove. It was easy to make and pretty healthy. I have to eat iron rich foods right now or take iron supplements to replace what I'm losing. I'm actually going to go stir the soup now and then back to bed rest. Thanks for listening to me rant.

I Would If I Could

finally he wondered why he couldn´t feel his petrified heart anymore

Today's title is the topic my therapist gave me this week. My mood today certainly fits this topic. Fair warning, this blog may not be as upbeat as my blogs usually are. I don't remember if my therapist gave me a context in which she wanted me to use the topic, but I'm so cranky and moody today and it will reflect in my writing I'm sure. There are many things I would do if I could. Big things and small things would be joyfully accomplished if certain factors were in place which allowed me to accomplish them. Here's a list.

-I would go look for a job if I could have a mode of transportation
-I would walk to go look for a job if I could walk to the end of the driveway.
-I would lose weight if I could exercise without extreme back pain and my blood pressure shooting up and causing me migraines and my thyroid wouldn't hinder my weight loss
-I would get on meds for my thyroid and blood pressure and back pain if I could have a car and a job to pay for meds and doctor's visits
-I would eat only the healthiest lean meats and freshest fruits and veggies and most recommended foods if I could afford them but they are usually the most expensive
-I would spend more time out of the bed if I could move without so much pain in my back
-I would be exuberant and full of life and oh so social if I could overcome my anxiety and depression
-I would spend more time with my family if I could have some transportation to where they are
-I would love to travel if I could have funds to do so
-I would love to win the lottery if only I could have a dollar to play it
-I would feel better right now if I could have a snickers bar
-I would paint more if I could have more canvases
-I would be happier if I could just get all this horrid crap out of my head that takes my emotions all over hell and back and just wrings me out like a wet rag
-I would move to Spokane if I could
-I would buy a house if I could
-I would go back in time if I could
-I would be invisible if I could
-I would disappear if I could
-I would run away if I could
-I would give my kids everything they want if I could
-I would be very happy if I could

I will go and make a cup of tea and then curl up besides Gucci because I can. I'm tired and cranky today and depression has taken full advantage of that and moved in. I would kick depression out if I could gather up the energy to do so but even my anxiety is too tired today so depression it is. I'm going to sigh and sit in the dark and just be sad. If I can get the energy up, I may play Final Fantasy 14. I just don't know. I feel all the energy I did have is just about gone now from writing today's blog. What kind of things would you put on a "I Would If I Could" list? Leave me a comment below. Hearing from my readers makes me happy.

Take A Walk With Me

Yesterday I had you breathe with me. Today, I want you to again find a nice quiet place where you can relax for about 15-20 minutes. We are going to practice some guided imagery. Guided imagery is another great way to completely relax and take control of your thoughts. Anytime you feel your thoughts start to stray during this process, just bring them back to focus on our task at hand. I have gone through a few YouTube videos that I thought were really nice to listen and relax to. I had no problem escaping into these peaceful places. Just click the links under the three pictures below. The last one was my favorite ;-) Click a link, close your eyes, listen, and relax.

Beach

Garden

Dragon

I hope you found this blog interesting and relaxing. I know the research was certainly relaxing after sitting there with my eyes closed and going through several videos til I found a few I really liked. I'm going to actually get ready to head to bed soon.

Breathe With Me

Today I just want you to breathe with me for a while. Find a place that you can be uninterrupted for about 5 minutes. If you are at home, make this a zen moment. Fix a cup of tea. Light some candles. Turn all distracting noises off and turn a fan or other white noise on. 

Relax

Inhale deeply through your nose for a 4 count
1 2 3 4

Hold that breath for a 7 count
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Exhale through your mouth for an 8 count
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Feel a bit clearer headed?

Let's do this again. Repeat the above steps beginning with relax. Repeat until you have some mental clarity and control of your thoughts.

I have found myself doing this up to four or five times til my brain is focusing on my breathing only and not on anything else around me. At this point, I am clear headed and ready to move on to spending some time in my "Happy Place," doing guided imagery exercises (which I have only done twice now), or commencing whatever task I was preparing myself for. In today's case, it was my blogging. I have found that doing these controlled breathing exercises in the morning with my tea helps me wake up faster and be more alert. This technique was taught to me by my therapist as one way to cope when dealing with anxieties. When you start to get anxious, do these breathing exercises and take control of your brain and thinking processes before your anxieties do. The process of keeping track of the breathing and the counts allows you to have control of the thinking. The deep breaths allows nice full loads of oxygen to get to your brain for better mental clarity. 

DragonmamaCooks Baked Mac & Cheese

Some days I enjoy cooking a nice big dinner. Other days, it's all I can do to make it to the fridge for a sandwich. I do have loved ones to feed. Casseroles are an easy way to get meal time done without a whole lot of effort. Today I want to share my absolute comfort food dish. It's loaded with cheesy goodness and lots of calories but it's oh so yummy! This is so simple and inexpensive and you can change it up so many ways to fit what you and your family like. I'll lay down the basics and then you can use your imagination for add on's or change ups.

Dragonmama's Baked Mac & Cheese

1 lb Elbow noodles

1 lb Medium cheddar cheese (or any cheese you choose)

1 can tomato sauce

1/2 stick of butter

Salt 

Pepper

Garlic salt

Set oven to 350. Cook noodles according to package directions. While noodles are cooking, cut cheese into small cubes. I prefer to cube my cheese rather than use shredded cheese. It just tastes better to me. If you are adding any extras, now would be a good time to prep them as well. Once noodles are cooked add the butter, tomato sauce, spices, and about 3/4 of your cheese to the pot and give it all a good stir to combine. Pour it all into a 9x13 baking pan (or whatever lg/med baking pan you have that it will all fit in). Top with the remainder of the cheese. Pop in the oven for about 30 mins. I recommend you let this cool for just a little bit before you eat but it's all up to you. Enjoy!

Alternatives and Additions

Gluten free noodles can be used instead

2nd can of tomato sauce if you like it saucy

1 lb Shredded cheese for those days when you just can't 

1/2 lb x 2 of your favorite cheeses combined

Slice kielbasa or other link sausage to mix in or layer on top 

Add bacon, chicken, or hamburger

Use tomato soup instead of tomato sauce

If you try this, please leave me a comment below and let me know how it turns out!! Also I would love to hear from you in the comments what your favorite comfort food recipes are! I would love to try some and maybe even feature them in a future blog.

Let Me Lie To You

My topic from my therapist this week was "A life without lies" and she left it open to interpretation. It got me to thinking about lies and how would life be without them. I can't say I don't know anyone who doesn't lie in some shape or form. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. I have been deceived more times than I care to count. During my research on this topic I found that people in some study who consciously chose to not lie were happier and healthier over people who did lie. Ok, whatever. I'm not doing a study. I'm doing real speak opinion. 

I've experienced first hand how lies can crush people. I've been crushed over and over. My children have been crushed by lies. There are so many lies that have been told to my children by other people that even if I were to tell them the truth now they would never believe me. I am a liar. I admit it. I actually lie every single day. I tell the same lie every single day. It consists of two words. "I'm fine." In all actuality, I'm not fine. I'm in pain. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Every day I'm in debilitating pain that I push through just for the sake of living. I will continue to tell this lie until it becomes reality.

I will fake it until I make it. I will smile and go about my day the best I can. I will take the good with the bad. I do tell other lies from time to time. White lies, imaginary lies, lies to get out of doing things, all sorts of lies. I'm a sinner and I lie. As I sit and think about that fact, maybe, If I can remember, I will make more of a conscious effort to not lie. I'm sure some people will not like it when I tell my opinion rather than what they want to hear but also maybe I can find a way to voice my opinion so it doesn't hurt feelings. I just don't know. I know I certainly can't lie around my therapist. She has a way of fishing out exactly what I'm thinking. She doesn't let me keep thoughts or feelings inside my head. It's frustrating at times but it's also nice to know I can say exactly what I'm thinking without being judged or feeling like I've burdened someone with something. I think that may be another reason we lie. We don't want to burden others with something.  Sometimes we feel it is easier to hold things in our head and work through them or push them to the back and forget about them, rather than share what is going on and feel like we have now burdened someone with something we feel like is a burden.

I dunno. I do know this is truly more of a rant type of blog tonight. I know I need to make a more conscious effort to make sure I tell no lies. I just don't think people want to hear the truth most of the time. I do know I don't like it when people lie to me. I also know that I often don't mind being oblivious to things that might stress me out until the stressful thing has passed so if someone lies to me to protect me from that stressful thing I might not mind it so much. I just don't know honestly. I don't think I could say how I would feel in that situation until I was in that situation. Lies exist. It would be nice to live in a world without lies, but I'm just not sure how that would work. Especially when it comes to governments. Which is another whole topic that I'm not going to get on so I will leave that alone and I think I'm going to go make something to eat. 

Essential Oils for Mental Health

Essential Oils for Mental Health

Anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues are banes to live with. Most of us who deal with mental health issues are on a cocktail of medications that can take us in all sorts of directions mentally and physically before they ever level out, if they ever level out. All too often, we are constantly changing medications and it's just a chemical merry-go-round. We all know chemicals ultimately do more harm than good but we are so desperate to feel better and have a "normal" quality of life that we suck it up and pop our prescriptions.

What many of us don't know is that there are some holistic methods that can help us feel somewhat better. These methods won't cure us of our ills, but if used in certain methods, they can calm us, and relax us enough to maybe, just maybe, have a moment of peace without an additional pill. I will be researching some of these methods over the next several weeks. One of these methods is Essential Oils.

Essential oils are natural extracts from flower, roots, bark, or leaves of plants. You can use Aromatherapy through diffusers, a few drops in your bath or on your pillow, or in a humidifier or vaporizer.  Essential oils can also be applied topically when combined with a carrier oil or lotion. How relaxing would it be to get a nice massage? On top of that, the oils are able to absorb into your skin and you are also getting the aromatherapy as well from the scents being released. Essential oils can be added as scents into candles and body scrubs. You can really let your imaginations soar when it comes to ways to use essential oils. I will have a base for a sugar scrub that any of these essential oils can be added too at the bottom of my blog.

Lavender is the most used essential oil today. It is known for reducing anxiety and stress. It is also very known for its calming effects. Are you having trouble falling asleep? Staying asleep? Lavender may be the essential oil you will want to check out. A few drops of lavender oil on your pillow should help you enjoy sweet dreams faster and longer.

Chamomile has many uses. I enjoy a cup of chamomile tea at night to help me relax and fall asleep. Diffusing chamomile essential oil in your home at night is also a great way to fall asleep. Chamomile, whether in tea, tincture or essential oil form, is one the best medicinal herbs for fighting stress and promoting relaxation, according to research from Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine and Pharmacognosy Review. Aromatherapy using chamomile essential oils is often recommended as a natural remedy for anxiety and general depression.

Jasmine is also used for overcoming stress and anxiety. It is also said to be useful for inhancing the libido. Now I know that mental health issues can wreak havoc on one's libido. Jasmine oil has been known as a natural aphrodisiac because of it's "seductive" scent. Jasmine can also reduce pms symptoms. I have heard of jasmine teas. As an essential oil, jasmine can be used without a carrier oil and applied directly to the skin. It can also be used in your favorite method of aromatherapy.

Ylang Ylang is another aphrodisiac and antidpressant. It's also known to help with high blood pressure. This natural mood stabilizer is one of the key ingredients used in Chanel No.5. Ylang ylang can be diffused throughout your home to help you feel refreshed and energized, it can be applied to your skin to wake you up, or you can even mix some up with some organic coconut oil and apply it to your hair for an increased shine.

These were my favorites of the oils I found. During my research I also found that there are many places online to purchase essential oils. I don't have any recommendations as I have not made any purchases through any online sellers. If you can find someone local who sells essential oils and is knowledgeable, you will probably have the best experience obtaining the perfect product for you. Please remember if you are on medication, always remember to check with your doctor first before trying essential oils. Never ingest any essential oils or apply undiluted essential oils to the skin without proper training or medical supervision. This blog is for fun and I am not a doctor or professional.

Sugar Scrub Base

2 cups granulated sugar
1 cup organic coconut oil
3-6 drops of your favorite essential oil

Mix sugar and coconut oil together. Add essential oil. Store in a decorative jar with tight lid. It's that easy. You can make smaller batches. There are many diy sugar scrubs online to take inspiration from. Making scrubs, candles, and other products can also be very inexpensive, satisfying, and soothing to depression and anxieties. Feel free to share any recipes that you enjoy using essential oils in the comments below!

My Comforting Blog

The last couple of days have been kinda high anxiety days. In some ways that is good, in others not so good. The good part about it is I tend to maniacally get stuff done. The bad part is my blood pressure tends to get really high and I get really bad headaches that shut me down and send me to bed really fast. So anxiety days are really push and pull days. I'm running on the tail end of a headache right now but I'm sticking to my goal of posting three times per week. This is determination. What I want to discuss today is my maniacal anxiety days and how I like to comfort myself through the highs and lows.

I can usually tell when my anxiety is building. It can sometimes, but doesn't usually, hit me at once. It's usually a quick little build up. It starts off as what may be perceived as boredom. My attention can't be kept by much and I tend to munch on anything I can find to munch on. I will pace between the fridge and the couch and my bed. I will swap between apps on my phone or games or shows on the tv. I will look out the blinds. I will chew and pick at my nails. I munch some more and try to read to slow my brain down. I try to keep myself as calm as possible in hopes that I can stop the full blown anxiety attack before it hits. Unfortunately, more often than not, I am unsuccessful.  I usually will not be able to sleep well that night. 

The next day I will wake up full of energy. I will get my house clean, dishes washed, bed made, everything facing in the shower and on counter tops and in cupboards, dog bathed and nails trimmed and ears cleaned. Everything has to get done or I will go nuts. If things aren't in place and put up and decluttered my skin crawls and my hair itches. My back can't take all the work. It just hurts so bad. So I can only do teeny bits at a time. Which frustrates me. My blood pressure goes up from pain and the anxiety. Which gives me a headache. Which adds to the pain factor. The anxiety attacks can turn into full blown panic attacks and I really don't want to go into those. I feel my stress level rising thinking about those. What started off as a great day to get stuff done, turns into a nightmare of pain and depression and sleep that can last for days.

I'm trying to find other ways to satisfy my anxiety that may not cause the aftermath and ways to comfort the aftermath. Blogging has been a lifesaver. It keeps my hands and brain busy so I'm not obsessing over everything I need to do. Right now, I know I need to do the dishes, but I'm not obsessing about it. It's nice to sit with a cup of hot tea and just type my thoughts out. Blogging is such a great outlet. Another comfort I'm finding is ways to "beautify" myself. My boyfriend has been great about helping me get skin care and makeup and other beauty products. It's so satisfying, receiving packages in the mail with my products and then opening them and trying them out. I love it!! I'm even starting a blog about new products that i'm trying. It will be a sister blog to this one. I probably won't post as often there but we will see.

My favorite comfort is curling up on the couch with my dog and my boyfriend. I draw so much comfort just having those two right there by my side. Their presence just relaxes me. Oh and one thing that I don't know if anyone else thinks might be weird, but when I'm am having really high anxiety, I like to be cold. I get so hot. I have to have the AC blasting. I will drink so much cold water. I have to have the cold water right by me. Cold showers are perfect. I'm sure if I lived where there was snow, I would probably go lay down in the snow. I just have to have cold. Painting also calms my anxieties but I have to be in the mood to paint. Trying new teas out is always relaxing and comforting. I just love to set an environment. I will turn off the lights, light candles, crank up the ac, make a cup of one of my many random flavors of tea, and then just curl up on the couch with Gucci behind my legs and read my book and sip my tea. That for me is a zen moment.

I almost relaxed myself to sleep there thinking about that moment. Now that I am pretty calm, I think I am going to check out my new hair color. I got my hair colored earlier and I've been waiting on it to dry naturally to see the color. Then, I'm going to get supper in the oven and get the kitchen clean. Then on to relaxing with my man and my pup. Leave me some comments about how you like to either calm your anxiety or comfort your depression. Please share my blogs with others if you think they may be helpful to others. And please know that I am so thankful to everyone who reads these. It helps me feel accomplished, which makes me feel happy, which really helps fight off my depressions and anxieties. Thank you so much!!!

Butterflies and Brain Fog

Today I want to talk about a disease that affects many people, myself included. It's a disease that can affect you in subtle ways. It's a disease that can completely shut you down in many other ways. Put simply, Hypothyroidism is having an under-active thyroid gland. The result of this being that gland not producing enough of the thyroid hormone in the blood. The thyroid is a butterfly shaped gland at the base of your neck. When thyroid hormone levels are too low, the body’s cells can’t get enough thyroid hormone and the body’s processes start slowing down.

 As the body slows, you may notice that you feel colder, you tire more easily, your skin is getting drier, you’re becoming forgetful and depressed, and you’ve started getting constipated. The symptoms for hypothyroidism seem endless. Exhaustion, hair loss, brain fog, weight loss, weight gain, depression, anxiety, cold intolerance, hot flashes, skin changes, diarrhea, menstrual changes, body sensitivity, loss of want of intimacy, these are just a tiny list of the many things people with hypothyroidism can experience and it can all be extremely frustrating.  Because the symptoms are so variable and non-specific, the only way to know for sure whether you have hypothyroidism is through blood tests. Your doctor will test the TSH level in your blood to determine your level of thyroid hormone and what degree of medication to start you on.

There is no cure for hypothyroidism. Most people who suffer from it will have to deal with it for the rest of their life. Medication, once adjusted properly, can control hypothyroidism. The more serious effects of the disease can lessen for a much happier and healthier lifestyle. Over time, if left untreated, it can cause morbid obesity, infertility, heart disease, mydexoma coma, and Peripheral neuropathy. Hypothyroidism is not something to be taken lightly. It is something that can shorten your life span. 

Hypothyroidism is huge and there is just so much surrounding it. One of my favorite blogs to check out is HypothyroidMom.com. She has so much information about hypothyroidism and how it plays a part in everyday life. Her blog makes me feel like I'm not alone. I especially love reading her articles about basically being healthier while dealing with these horrible thyroids. 

My hair is thinning. My skin is horrible. I deal with brain fog all the time. Depression and anxiety are a 24/7 thing for me. The weight gain sucks so bad. But, this year, as part of my New Year, New Me, I'm gonna kick my thyroid in the rear. I'm gonna get on a proper medicine regime and get my thyroid stabilized. I will not let that little butterfly shaped sucker get the best of me. I hope this blog has been somewhat informational. I know it is short but there is such large area to cover when it comes to hypothyroidism that it would take many blogs to cover everything. Do you deal with hypothyroidism? Tell me how you feel about it and how you deal with it in the comments below.

One Scared DragonMama

I oftentimes feel like I'm not much. I'm just little ole me. I don't make much of a dent in the world. My opinions don't count for much. I don't try very hard to be  noticed, but I do try really hard to stay curled away in my cave I call home. It gets hard to remember that I am a dragonmama. I have fire burning through my veins. I can fly through the skys on my gigantic wings of imagination. I have given birth to children who are masterfully intelligent and can rule the world. I love with a passion so fierce it can burn my mate through to his soul. There are no ends to what I can accomplish for no one can stop me. 

Except myself. I look outside at the beautiful sky and I yearn to stretch my wings. I yearn to go and experience new things and explore. Then comes the pain. My eyelids get heavy and can no longer stare up at the clouds. They remain downcast. My chest hurts so bad. It feels like my heart will burst out through my back. I can't breath. My flame completely fizzles out. My throat is full of acid. My muscles all just feel so tense and it's all I can do to drag myself back into the safety and comfort of my bed. I cry for what I'm experiencing. I cry for what I miss. I cry for who I was. I cry for who I am. I cry for who I want to be but who I don't know how to become. I hibernate in my grief.

I wake either hours or days later with a massive headache. I put on my everyday mask. The one with the casual smile that says "I'm fine," and I begin to clean my home. Organization and cleanliness are things I can control. It makes me happy in my environment. I love my home and what I've created here. i have things that make me happy. I have basic needs like food and shelter, but I also have my mate, and my pet, and my art supplies, and my art, and books and candles and dragons and tea and FFXIV and comfort. I think sometimes I do take for granted what I have but at the same time, I am so eternally thankful that I am so blessed. 

So why do I have this evil monster living alongside my inner dragon? Why can't my magnificent beast soar and be free and laugh and love like it used to. What am I so afraid of? I truly hope to find out through this blog journey.