I Would If I Could

finally he wondered why he couldn´t feel his petrified heart anymore

Today's title is the topic my therapist gave me this week. My mood today certainly fits this topic. Fair warning, this blog may not be as upbeat as my blogs usually are. I don't remember if my therapist gave me a context in which she wanted me to use the topic, but I'm so cranky and moody today and it will reflect in my writing I'm sure. There are many things I would do if I could. Big things and small things would be joyfully accomplished if certain factors were in place which allowed me to accomplish them. Here's a list.

-I would go look for a job if I could have a mode of transportation
-I would walk to go look for a job if I could walk to the end of the driveway.
-I would lose weight if I could exercise without extreme back pain and my blood pressure shooting up and causing me migraines and my thyroid wouldn't hinder my weight loss
-I would get on meds for my thyroid and blood pressure and back pain if I could have a car and a job to pay for meds and doctor's visits
-I would eat only the healthiest lean meats and freshest fruits and veggies and most recommended foods if I could afford them but they are usually the most expensive
-I would spend more time out of the bed if I could move without so much pain in my back
-I would be exuberant and full of life and oh so social if I could overcome my anxiety and depression
-I would spend more time with my family if I could have some transportation to where they are
-I would love to travel if I could have funds to do so
-I would love to win the lottery if only I could have a dollar to play it
-I would feel better right now if I could have a snickers bar
-I would paint more if I could have more canvases
-I would be happier if I could just get all this horrid crap out of my head that takes my emotions all over hell and back and just wrings me out like a wet rag
-I would move to Spokane if I could
-I would buy a house if I could
-I would go back in time if I could
-I would be invisible if I could
-I would disappear if I could
-I would run away if I could
-I would give my kids everything they want if I could
-I would be very happy if I could

I will go and make a cup of tea and then curl up besides Gucci because I can. I'm tired and cranky today and depression has taken full advantage of that and moved in. I would kick depression out if I could gather up the energy to do so but even my anxiety is too tired today so depression it is. I'm going to sigh and sit in the dark and just be sad. If I can get the energy up, I may play Final Fantasy 14. I just don't know. I feel all the energy I did have is just about gone now from writing today's blog. What kind of things would you put on a "I Would If I Could" list? Leave me a comment below. Hearing from my readers makes me happy.

Personal Bill of Rights

My homework assignment this week was to put together a Personal Bill of Rights. I was completely confused. I kinda figured out the basics but I had absolutely no idea how to write out a list. So I started researching. All I can say is WOW! I found so many inspirational sites on this topic. One site just kinda hit the target in the bullseye. The Bill of Rights that it lists says everything and more that I would want to say. Loveaddictionhelp.com is certainly a site I will be returning to. I have copied the Personal Bill of Rights from this site. I plan on referring to this list often to reaffirm what I already know in my heart, but I need to get my head on board.

I Now Declare...

1. I have a right to experience all my emotions- they make me neither weak nor strong, they are a natural part of being human.

2. I have the right to share and/or express my feelings to others if and when I choose, without obligation, guilt, or shame.

3. I have the right to trust my intuitions.

4. I have the right to NOT take responsibility for people’s behaviors, feelings, or problems.

5. I have a right to a healthy, loving, secure, nurturing relationship.

6. I have the right to respect and compassion from others– and NOTHING LESS.

7. I have the right to make my own decisions.

8. I have the right to care for my own emotional and physical wellbeing.

9. I have a right to spend time and energy on myself, to do things that make my life enjoyable; and treat myself as I want and deserve to be treated by others.

10. I have the right to distinguish who other people say I am (or was) and who I actually am.

11. I have the right to  NOT be treated like a "doormat", and if one does, to get up off the floor and stand up for myself.

12. I have the right to BE ME, without explanation, apology, or defense.

13. I have the right to say NO.

14. I have the right to say YES.

15. I have the right to NOT always be nice, good, right, and strong.

16. I have the right to be selfish; being selfish (attending to my own needs; self-nurturing) is healthy and good- as long as I don't hinder or disrespect others rights to care for themselves.

17. I have the right to smile, laugh, have fun, relax, be spontaneous, and play.

18. I have the right to trust others and trust myself.

19. I have the right to be vulnerable.

20. I have the right to be direct, assertive, and set strong/healthy boundaries- without guilt or explanation.

21. I have the right to develop and grow at my own pace, and in the directions I feel are best for me.

22. I have the right to view another person who is being critical/judgmental of me, as one who is projecting his/her own insecurity and shame … and know ‘IT IS NOT ABOUT ME’, but only "ABOUT HIM/HER'.

23. I have the right to NOT people-please at the expense of my emotional well-being – even if it means saying “no” to people who are used to hearing “yes”.

24. I have the right to put my needs first, before the needs of another.

25. I have the right to be IMPERFECT; to make mistakes and be wrong.

26. I have the right to say exactly what I mean, what I feel, or what I believe in a respectful manner, when I feel is necessary.

27. I have the right to fully and unconditionally forgive myself for past mistakes.

28. I have the right to ask for what I want or need.

29. I have a right to disengage/detach from anyone who deliberately or inadvertently puts me down, lays a guilt trip on me, or tries to control what I do, believe, or feel.

30. I have the right to change my mind; or decide on a different course of action, anytime I so choose.

31. I have the right to not identify with, or ‘carry the torch’, of my family of origin’s dysfunction, shame, or toxic rules/beliefs.

32. I have the right to allow positive people, experiences, and situations to freely and effortlessly enter into my life.

33. I have the right to ‘speak up’ if i desire, or ‘remain silent’ if I desire, about any topic, and around anyone, at any time, as I wish.

34. I have a right to 'where my feelings on my shoulders' (i.e., not smile if I feel sad or disappointed).

35. I have a right to grow and develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically.

36. I have the right to love, to accept, to embrace, and to fully appreciate myself unconditionally.

37. I have the right to be in relationships without losing my identity; abandoning my interests, needs, and wants.

38. I have the right to Embrace an important Truth, that I AM ME - and I AM OKAY,  JUST AS I AM.

39. I have the right to fill my own needs and wants, rather than demand or expect others to do so for me. * And for my needs and wants to be respected, AT ALL TIMES.

40. I have the right and duty to myself, to fully honor and practice in my life, 'My Personal Bill of Rights'.