Dear Sleep

Dear Sleep,

You and I have quite the on again, off again relationship. I know in the general sense that I need you. I oftentimes feel that I use you. More often than not, I feel that I don't get enough of you. You elude me when I really need you. You keep me in your grip longer than is truly necessary. You pull me in close then you push me away. You and I need to seriously reevaluate our situation together. I just don't think that what we have right now is healthy. It's not you, it's me. It really is.

I know that adults should average about 8 hours of sleep per night for a healthy nights rest. You like to give me anywhere between two to fourteen hours. You are so random. When I lay down at 10 pm and close my eyes, it's because I want to go to sleep. I don't want to chase thoughts in my head for the next two to four hours. It would be nice to just close my eyes and fall asleep within the next twenty minutes or so. Racing thoughts ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE WHILE I'M TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP!!

 Once I fall asleep, I would like a nice, steady six to eight hours of deep, uninterrupted slumber. This thing where I wake up every hour and half to two hours is just unacceptable. No one needs to pee that much during the night. I don't need to change positions that much. The temperature is just fine. I really just want uninterrupted sleep. This on again, off again thing  just isn't working for me.

In the morning, when I would like to rise and start my day all chipper, that is when you want to hold me tightest. You have taunted me all night, exhausting me with your games, and now you want to hold me while I sleep during the time I want to be alive with the rest of the world. I have to make a choice every day. Do I just get up and go about my day in exhausted zombie mode, or do I sleep in and wake up later in the afternoon, still groggy from being in the bed for 12-16 hours, and then try to function. It's truly a difficult decision.

Or it was. I feel that I used you to escape the world at times. If I was asleep, then I didn't have to face the realities of life that keep banging at my front door every day. If I'm asleep, then it's like I'm dead for just a little while longer and no one can hurt me if i'm dead. If I'm asleep, then I can live in my dreams, sculpted exactly how I want them to be. But, my dear sleep, I no longer want to use you in such a way. I'm tired of sleeping for the wrong reasons. I'm tired of not getting the proper amount of sleep. I'm tired of not getting a good night of healthy sleep.

I will begin waking up in the mornings and enjoying them. I will go about my day at home and try to keep myself busy one way or another. I will try my best to not let my depression drag me into another unhealthy relationship with my sleep. I love my sleep and we have some definite relationship repairing to do. It's a new year and time for new beginnings.