It's all about the Puddin!!

During the holiday season, one of our favorite pastimes is to eat, and therefore, to cook as well. One of my favorite sweet treats has always been Banana Pudding. There are so many easy ways to make this delicious treat such as this way from Kraft.

One of my projects this week was to discover other uses for pudding. After scouring the web, I found some pretty interesting recipes. One of my faves was this Banana Puddintini. It takes my favorite pudding dessert and kicks it up a notch as shown here by Lisa Huff from Snappy Gourmet.

How about making some candy with pudding? This Circus Animal Fudge recipe from Beyond Frosting looks so yummy!! It almost looks too pretty to eat.

Now for a really random use for pudding that you can use as a joke to fool your friends, take an empty mayonnaise jar and fill it up with vanilla pudding. Then just go around with a spoon eating it out of the jar. You will certainly get some looks from people being grossed out lol.

Now one of my favorite uses of puddin is the PUDDIN choker that Harley Quinn wears in Suicide Squad. I looked around and i'm attaching my favorite tutorial for you to view on how to DIY your own PUDDIN choker.

I hope you check out these uses of pudding and enjoy them. I truly enjoyed this project.

Merry Christmas

It's been a few days since I've blogged. To be honest, I've just been procrastinating and haven't had anyone to kick me in the butt to write. I'm sitting here late at night, in the final hour of Christmas, and reflecting on the last couple of days. It has been a very satisfying couple of days. Night before last, in a crazed rush, I went for the final rush of shopping. In the middle of the night while no one was around thank goodness. I tried doing my grocery shopping earlier in the day and it was not fun. There was so many people and I was in so much pain and panicking pretty hard. Needless to say, it was a short shopping trip. I spent the beginning part of Christmas eve cooking up dog food for Gucci. Took a nap in the afternoon, Then it was time to get ready to go to my brother's house to see my kiddos for Christmas. My boyfriend went with me. It was loud and chaotic but everyone had fun. My oldest daughter and her boyfriend arrived first and they seemed pleased with their gifts. My youngest daughter arrived an hour or so later with her friend and my girls just went goofy. I love seeing the two of them interact. They make my heart happy. I didn't get to see either of my boys which really disappoints me. Our night ended way too early but the girls had other obligations to get to. I went to sleep last night in happy exhaustion. Slept in today. Got up and cleaned up the apartment. I have pretty much relaxed today. My youngest daughter came over earlier this evening and she is spending the night with me tonight. This makes me so happy. We are watching movies and playing video games and chatting. It's been a long time since we have had a night together. Best Christmas present ever!!!! So I'm going to cut this short and get back to spending time with her.

Sugar Glider Scarf

https://youtu.be/-5zz0lx7BWM

Link to a video I made about a bonding scarf I received for my grandsuggies.

Tis Almost Christmas

It's almost that time of the year again. That time of the year where we gather together as friends and family to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior, Jesus. It's a time where love, laughter, food, and gifts are shared in abundance. Fellowship abounds in many forms and in many gathering places. This is a time of year where families get together and decorate the home and celebrate traditions passed on from generation to generation. It's a time where retail workers groan and shop owners celebrate over increased sales. Everyone ponders long and hard over that perfect gift to get that special someone. Tinsel glitters, the lights twinkle, and carols play merrily.

And then there is me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong. I love the celebration of Jesus. I just have a hard time during the holidays. I guess I get holiday envy. I see people online with their perfect trees and their homes decorated all beautiful and gifts for everyone wrapped perfectly. I hear about work Christmas parties and bragging about Christmas bonuses. I see people going to church gatherings and celebrating together. I know how other people in my kids' lives can spend hundreds of dollars on them for presents and I don't even have a dollar of my own to spend on them. I wish I could get them everything they wanted and then some but I can't. I'm actually scared to see disappointment in their eyes when they open their gifts.

It's just so hard sometimes seeing other people's lives and wishing I had the same. Envy is an ugly thing to carry around. I worked so hard for so long and I have nothing to show for it. Now I just feel broken. I try. I really do. I know I'll never be good enough for some people, but I truly hope that one day I will be good enough for me. Right now I am not. My amazing boyfriend works his butt off every day to make me happy and I am. The things I am not happy about cannot be bought. I know I'm blessed to have what I have. I have so much more than others. There are 4 pieces of me that have always been incomplete.

I hope I get to see my kiddos for the holidays. It's hard to see my oldest as she lives about 5+ hours away. My 3rd in line, I get to see her more often. My two boys, I haven't seen them in over a year. I miss my boys so much. We shall see what happens. It will be a huge disappointment if I don't get to see my boys for Christmas. But I'm kinda used to disappointment. This is just me being honest, aka, major depression. I'm not gonna hold it in anymore. I usually just nod and smile and say I'm okay but the truth is, I'm sad, I miss my kids, and I want time with them.

I'm holding back tears pretty hard and I feel my blood pressure up pretty high so I'm gonna end this on a positive note. My boyfriend and I exchanged gifts already so I'm gonna posts some pics!!

He got me this beautiful Cladaugh ring

I got him this Glow in the Dark Lo Pan Funko Pop

"All For You" A Poem

I am still not feeling so well so here is an old poem I wrote that I want to share for my daily blog.

When I look into the silvered glass

Who regretfully do I see

A person I don’t like anymore

This person unfortunately is me

I know I should be more positive

But around you it’s so hard

Your shallowness brings me down

My heart ripped apart and scarred

Never before had I so much self doubt

Always confident with who I am

Your opinions mean so much to me

Now my previous self seems such a sham

I long to gain your affections

What you say must be true

I’ll mold myself to what you need

I want to be perfect just for you

I’ll leave my safe haven

To follow you to lands far and unknown

Each day I’ll be desperately hoping

That maybe, in your heart, for me love has grown

I’ll never give up on you

For I Love You that much

Even though you make me despise who I am

I live every day hoping to feel your touch

You’re the reason I live

Why can’t you just wake up and see

I’m nothing, nobody

With or without you next to me

Original poem by me

Not sure when I wrote this

Oh moan is me! And other pms woes.

Oh the joys of dealing with major depression and hypothyroidism. It affects me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Mother nature is doubly aggressive and painful. Today I'm super duper hot, even though everyone else is freezing. My womb is ripping itself out of me. It feels like there is a ball of glass in my lower spine that someone has smashed with a hammer and the shards have spread amongst my entire lower back. I'm super swollen. Life sucks just a little bit. On the bright side, I don't have a headache at the moment. It's really hard to stay awake today. I'm just so exhausted. Gonna watch this episode of Game of Thrones with my love then probably a nice hot bathe or shower then back to bed.

TV Kinda Day

Today will be a short blog really. It has been so nice and cold. I slept in til about two with Gucci cuddled up next to me. Woke up and made some hot tea and vegged out in front of the tv watching Bar Rescue on Hulu. When my amazing boyfriend came home with Subway for dinner, we sat and watched a few episodes of Game of Thrones while I also listened to a live feed on Netflix from a channel I subscribe to. Now, here at midnight, I type. This is a typical day for me. I have no energy. I'm super tired even though I slept most of the day. I have had no energy to do anything. There are dishes in the sink to be done and the floor needs to be vacuumed and the bathroom cleaned and I need to take a shower but energy level is at -15%. I didn't get the chance to get my headache medicine refill in time so I get to go the weekend without that medicine. I'm so looking forward to that. (Insert sarcasm here.) Right now all I wanna do is curl up as tight as I can into my man and watch some more Game of Thrones. After I take my meds. Going to go do that now so I don't forget.

I am DragonMama

I am Shawna. I'm 36 years old. I'm the mother of 4 amazing children currently aged 13, 16, 18, &19. I also have a wonderful little chihuahua fur child named Gucci. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, but we have been friends for quite a few years. I love dragons! I love just about anything magical and mystical and fantastical. My imagination is quite immense and truly has no boundaries. I enjoy singing and listening to all kinds of music from opera to rap to country to rock to classical to dubstep and everything in between. I think my life should have it's own soundtrack sometimes. That way, maybe I'll know what's upcoming, or the appropriate way to feel or act according to the music currently playing. Another passion of mine is art. I love to paint and to create. Currently the only painting medium I have used is acrylic but I hope to one day get into water-painting and oils, and maybe even some multi media stuff. I recently made a Christmas tree out of sticks and twine and some decorations and it turned out pretty cool. I'll leave a few pics of my work at the end of this blog.

I truly hope that i can gain a deep interest in blogging. I have so much in my head, and it would be great to get it out in some form or another. I deal with hypothyroidism and major depression which don't make my days picnics. I know it would be easy to use blogging as a distraction from the way i'm feeling but I hope to be able to be as honest as I can. I have been through a lot, both good and bad. Most of the time it certainly feels like the bad outweighs the good. I will have cheery, positive upbeat blogs. I will also have deep, dark blogs that will cover some very taboo topics and some very real situations that happened to me that I'm not proud of. Situations that maybe I still hold a lot of resentment about.

My goal over the next, say six months, will be to begin to work on purging and forgiving. I need to purge a lot of the anger and resentment and forgive myself and others. What happened in the past is the past. I can't continue to carry this darkness and anger inside of me or it will continue to hold me in this dark little cave I've created. Please don't judge me. I know this is a public blog but I will be writing as if I am the only one seeing it. For some reason my mind needs me to do this this way. I don't know why yet. I know I am an amazing woman. I know I deserve love and happiness. Now I have to convince myself of that. Let my journey of healing begin.

The Christmas tree I made

Acrylic on canvas original painted by me

Peacock Feather acrylic on canvas original done by me

My dog Gucci

An angel I drew with colored pencils 

Gucci

I want to share a story about one of the most precious critters in my life. My old boss lady told me her chihuahua had a litter of puppies and told me I could have one if I wanted. I agreed to a time to take a look at the puppies and see if there was one that I wanted. I knew I wanted a girl if I got one. (Note, my memory is messed up so i'm recalling this the best I remember) The thing was, I was living with my brother. I knew if I wanted a puppy, I would have to get him on board as well. I asked him to go with me. There were 4 pups. 1 brown female, 1 black female, and 2 black males. At first I wanted the brown female. She was so pretty. My brother liked her as well. And she was the different colored one. I usually like the oddball, the different one. The pups were kept in the kitchen and their crate was in the far corner. Three of the pups, including my little girl were running around happily. The little runt was hanging out in the crate. He was a little cutie but he just kinda hid in the crate. As I was standing in the doorway of the kitchen talking to everyone, I felt a little tug on my pants. I looked down and it was the little runt. Everyone looked astonished. They said he never left the crate. I reached down, picked him up, looked into his little face, and fell in love. He picked me. They called him Special Puppy. He was certainly special. My brother and I went home with two puppies that day. He with the little brown girl pup, and me with my little special puppy. 

I named my special little puppy Gucci. He was an ugly little fellow. But he was so beautiful to me. Being the runt that he was, he just happened to come with some birth defect and health issues. His little tail has some broken points in it, he walks funny sometimes, and the major issue is his hydrocephalus. Hydrocephalus, which literally means “water on the brain,” is a buildup of fluid inside the skull. This accumulation puts pressure on the brain, causing signs such as an enlarged, dome-shaped head, seizures, blindness, and behavioral changes. Gucci had, and still has, a very large soft spot on the top of his head. His first vet visit was very nerve wracking for me. The vet didn't encourage a very long life span. His birthday was April 29th, 2012. 

Needless to say, Gucci is still alive and very healthy. He is my little heart. He comforts me somehow that is just so hard to explain. He and I have been through so much together through the past several years. He loves me unconditionally. He doesn't judge me. He won't cheat on me. He won't take advantage of me. He is my little buddy. I love him so much and I do believe it would cause me serious emotional distress if I ever didn't have him in my life. I love how he loves cheese and chicken and pizza bones. I love how he runs around the house like a little crack doggy when he is excited. I love how he greets me when I come home. I love how he howls when I whistle or try to sing opera. I really love to feel his warm little self curled up next to me. I love listening to him snore like a train. I love his old man goatee. I just love everything about my little dog. I am now gonna go snuggle with my little dog after I add a few pics. I hope you all go and give your pet a cuddle after you read this.

One Scared DragonMama

I oftentimes feel like I'm not much. I'm just little ole me. I don't make much of a dent in the world. My opinions don't count for much. I don't try very hard to be  noticed, but I do try really hard to stay curled away in my cave I call home. It gets hard to remember that I am a dragonmama. I have fire burning through my veins. I can fly through the skys on my gigantic wings of imagination. I have given birth to children who are masterfully intelligent and can rule the world. I love with a passion so fierce it can burn my mate through to his soul. There are no ends to what I can accomplish for no one can stop me. 

Except myself. I look outside at the beautiful sky and I yearn to stretch my wings. I yearn to go and experience new things and explore. Then comes the pain. My eyelids get heavy and can no longer stare up at the clouds. They remain downcast. My chest hurts so bad. It feels like my heart will burst out through my back. I can't breath. My flame completely fizzles out. My throat is full of acid. My muscles all just feel so tense and it's all I can do to drag myself back into the safety and comfort of my bed. I cry for what I'm experiencing. I cry for what I miss. I cry for who I was. I cry for who I am. I cry for who I want to be but who I don't know how to become. I hibernate in my grief.

I wake either hours or days later with a massive headache. I put on my everyday mask. The one with the casual smile that says "I'm fine," and I begin to clean my home. Organization and cleanliness are things I can control. It makes me happy in my environment. I love my home and what I've created here. i have things that make me happy. I have basic needs like food and shelter, but I also have my mate, and my pet, and my art supplies, and my art, and books and candles and dragons and tea and FFXIV and comfort. I think sometimes I do take for granted what I have but at the same time, I am so eternally thankful that I am so blessed. 

So why do I have this evil monster living alongside my inner dragon? Why can't my magnificent beast soar and be free and laugh and love like it used to. What am I so afraid of? I truly hope to find out through this blog journey.