I Would If I Could

finally he wondered why he couldn´t feel his petrified heart anymore

Today's title is the topic my therapist gave me this week. My mood today certainly fits this topic. Fair warning, this blog may not be as upbeat as my blogs usually are. I don't remember if my therapist gave me a context in which she wanted me to use the topic, but I'm so cranky and moody today and it will reflect in my writing I'm sure. There are many things I would do if I could. Big things and small things would be joyfully accomplished if certain factors were in place which allowed me to accomplish them. Here's a list.

-I would go look for a job if I could have a mode of transportation
-I would walk to go look for a job if I could walk to the end of the driveway.
-I would lose weight if I could exercise without extreme back pain and my blood pressure shooting up and causing me migraines and my thyroid wouldn't hinder my weight loss
-I would get on meds for my thyroid and blood pressure and back pain if I could have a car and a job to pay for meds and doctor's visits
-I would eat only the healthiest lean meats and freshest fruits and veggies and most recommended foods if I could afford them but they are usually the most expensive
-I would spend more time out of the bed if I could move without so much pain in my back
-I would be exuberant and full of life and oh so social if I could overcome my anxiety and depression
-I would spend more time with my family if I could have some transportation to where they are
-I would love to travel if I could have funds to do so
-I would love to win the lottery if only I could have a dollar to play it
-I would feel better right now if I could have a snickers bar
-I would paint more if I could have more canvases
-I would be happier if I could just get all this horrid crap out of my head that takes my emotions all over hell and back and just wrings me out like a wet rag
-I would move to Spokane if I could
-I would buy a house if I could
-I would go back in time if I could
-I would be invisible if I could
-I would disappear if I could
-I would run away if I could
-I would give my kids everything they want if I could
-I would be very happy if I could

I will go and make a cup of tea and then curl up besides Gucci because I can. I'm tired and cranky today and depression has taken full advantage of that and moved in. I would kick depression out if I could gather up the energy to do so but even my anxiety is too tired today so depression it is. I'm going to sigh and sit in the dark and just be sad. If I can get the energy up, I may play Final Fantasy 14. I just don't know. I feel all the energy I did have is just about gone now from writing today's blog. What kind of things would you put on a "I Would If I Could" list? Leave me a comment below. Hearing from my readers makes me happy.

Butterflies and Brain Fog

Today I want to talk about a disease that affects many people, myself included. It's a disease that can affect you in subtle ways. It's a disease that can completely shut you down in many other ways. Put simply, Hypothyroidism is having an under-active thyroid gland. The result of this being that gland not producing enough of the thyroid hormone in the blood. The thyroid is a butterfly shaped gland at the base of your neck. When thyroid hormone levels are too low, the body’s cells can’t get enough thyroid hormone and the body’s processes start slowing down.

 As the body slows, you may notice that you feel colder, you tire more easily, your skin is getting drier, you’re becoming forgetful and depressed, and you’ve started getting constipated. The symptoms for hypothyroidism seem endless. Exhaustion, hair loss, brain fog, weight loss, weight gain, depression, anxiety, cold intolerance, hot flashes, skin changes, diarrhea, menstrual changes, body sensitivity, loss of want of intimacy, these are just a tiny list of the many things people with hypothyroidism can experience and it can all be extremely frustrating.  Because the symptoms are so variable and non-specific, the only way to know for sure whether you have hypothyroidism is through blood tests. Your doctor will test the TSH level in your blood to determine your level of thyroid hormone and what degree of medication to start you on.

There is no cure for hypothyroidism. Most people who suffer from it will have to deal with it for the rest of their life. Medication, once adjusted properly, can control hypothyroidism. The more serious effects of the disease can lessen for a much happier and healthier lifestyle. Over time, if left untreated, it can cause morbid obesity, infertility, heart disease, mydexoma coma, and Peripheral neuropathy. Hypothyroidism is not something to be taken lightly. It is something that can shorten your life span. 

Hypothyroidism is huge and there is just so much surrounding it. One of my favorite blogs to check out is HypothyroidMom.com. She has so much information about hypothyroidism and how it plays a part in everyday life. Her blog makes me feel like I'm not alone. I especially love reading her articles about basically being healthier while dealing with these horrible thyroids. 

My hair is thinning. My skin is horrible. I deal with brain fog all the time. Depression and anxiety are a 24/7 thing for me. The weight gain sucks so bad. But, this year, as part of my New Year, New Me, I'm gonna kick my thyroid in the rear. I'm gonna get on a proper medicine regime and get my thyroid stabilized. I will not let that little butterfly shaped sucker get the best of me. I hope this blog has been somewhat informational. I know it is short but there is such large area to cover when it comes to hypothyroidism that it would take many blogs to cover everything. Do you deal with hypothyroidism? Tell me how you feel about it and how you deal with it in the comments below.

Dear Sleep

Dear Sleep,

You and I have quite the on again, off again relationship. I know in the general sense that I need you. I oftentimes feel that I use you. More often than not, I feel that I don't get enough of you. You elude me when I really need you. You keep me in your grip longer than is truly necessary. You pull me in close then you push me away. You and I need to seriously reevaluate our situation together. I just don't think that what we have right now is healthy. It's not you, it's me. It really is.

I know that adults should average about 8 hours of sleep per night for a healthy nights rest. You like to give me anywhere between two to fourteen hours. You are so random. When I lay down at 10 pm and close my eyes, it's because I want to go to sleep. I don't want to chase thoughts in my head for the next two to four hours. It would be nice to just close my eyes and fall asleep within the next twenty minutes or so. Racing thoughts ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE WHILE I'M TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP!!

 Once I fall asleep, I would like a nice, steady six to eight hours of deep, uninterrupted slumber. This thing where I wake up every hour and half to two hours is just unacceptable. No one needs to pee that much during the night. I don't need to change positions that much. The temperature is just fine. I really just want uninterrupted sleep. This on again, off again thing  just isn't working for me.

In the morning, when I would like to rise and start my day all chipper, that is when you want to hold me tightest. You have taunted me all night, exhausting me with your games, and now you want to hold me while I sleep during the time I want to be alive with the rest of the world. I have to make a choice every day. Do I just get up and go about my day in exhausted zombie mode, or do I sleep in and wake up later in the afternoon, still groggy from being in the bed for 12-16 hours, and then try to function. It's truly a difficult decision.

Or it was. I feel that I used you to escape the world at times. If I was asleep, then I didn't have to face the realities of life that keep banging at my front door every day. If I'm asleep, then it's like I'm dead for just a little while longer and no one can hurt me if i'm dead. If I'm asleep, then I can live in my dreams, sculpted exactly how I want them to be. But, my dear sleep, I no longer want to use you in such a way. I'm tired of sleeping for the wrong reasons. I'm tired of not getting the proper amount of sleep. I'm tired of not getting a good night of healthy sleep.

I will begin waking up in the mornings and enjoying them. I will go about my day at home and try to keep myself busy one way or another. I will try my best to not let my depression drag me into another unhealthy relationship with my sleep. I love my sleep and we have some definite relationship repairing to do. It's a new year and time for new beginnings.